There are so many things about me that I feel compelled to categorize and analyze. Being a feminist, being pro-choice, being an NRI, being an introvert. Sometimes I find myself increasingly confused when trying to reconcile being liberal and embracing Indian traditions. Western and eastern values don't usually match up very well.
Even though I'm Hindu, I went to a Catholic high school back in the day. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal; I knew my heart was with my own religion and I could easily fake my way or detach myself in matters of religion when necessary. I actually did pretty well in my religion classes, always As, much to the amusement of my classmates. All I had to do was memorize the information the teachers gave the class about sacraments and history and I was good as gold.
But there were times when it was hard. My biggest challenge was hearing the morning prayer every day after the national anthem. In the beginning it was easy to not take it seriously, to just stay standing with the rest of the class and hear the chaplain speak over the PA system about The Lord. Eventually, it started getting to me. So much that I developed a sort of reflex aversion to certain aspects of Catholicism. My relfex aversion was probably due to a culmination of events, the sum of the numerous times Christianity has worked at making me uncomfortable. I'll get to that later. But anyway. There was something too... penitent about those morning prayers. Penitent and reserved at the same time. And it was very (pardon by bluntness) "white". Every time I watch a black congregation or a black preacher, I feel a guilty kind of pity. Pity that somewhere in the far distant past, missionaries or dire circumstances required that these people had to convert to Christianity. I feel the same way about Christian Indians as well. "Man, sucks that those Portugese missionaries converted your poor and undereducated ancestors all those years ago." But if their religion brings them so much happiness, why should I feel pity? Why should I feel like Christianity is a cruel punishment inflicted on those who knew no better?
What's the point of all this rambling? The point is that I am constantly struggling to see the good in Christianity. My religion teaches that all religions are equal and valid paths to god, and that all religious traditions should be respected. But it's hard to respect a religion that has hurt me personally in the past. I remember when I was 7 years old an older girl (maybe 9 or 10) asked me what church I went to. I told her I didn't go to church, because I wasn't Christian. I went to a temple instead. I was Hindu, like my parents who had come from India. She screwed her face at me disdainfully. "No. You're Christian. You have to be. Everyone who moves to this country has to become Christian." Well, I knew that wasn't true, of course. But I just bit my tongue and wondered why she would think something so crazy.
When I was doing my undergrad I lived with a religiously diverse group of people: two Hindus, one Catholic, one Christian, and one Jewish girl. Even before we started living together, and while we did, religious discussions would pop up every now and then. There are two specific memories that stand out in my mind. The first was how the other Hindu girl in our house tagged along with some friends to a Catholic mass, to "see what all the fuss was about". The other memory is the Catholic girl explaining how after revealing she's a practicing Catholic to acquaintances, she would often be accused of Bible-thumping, ignorance, close-mindedness, religious asshattery, and the like. It bothered her that people would automatically stereotype her as a "Christian fanatic" before getting to know her.
I know I've seen the beauty of Christianity and real Christians. My born again Christian former housemate is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met in my life. We all agreed that she was the rock of our house, the calm and stable one who took life in stride and lived well. I may not agree with her beliefs, but I truly respect her as a person. Maybe that's all it will take to change how I think.
3 comments:
You were born in England and moved to Canada when you were a baby right? So that does not make you an NRI.
True. I was going to use the term ABCD, but I'm not American. I guess I just couldn't find the right word to fit.
Yeah, I remember in pre-school we had this little prayer before our snack, and instead of saying it, I would say "Hare Rama" under my breath. I was what, 4? Even then I just didn't feel like conforming. Still happens all the time.
But I will admit, on my grade 8 grad trip to Montreal, we went to all of these Catholic churches, and I was pretty bored, as were basically all of the rest of my classmates (the non-religious ones), but when we went to one church (basilica...something) there was an orchestra playing there, and they played for a good ten minutes, and it was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. I can't even explain it. When we came out of the church, all of my friends were complaining about how boring it was, and I said I loved it, but I had such trouble explaining to them what had happened to me. I don't know why, but after that day I look at Christianity differently. I don't even think what I just wrote really explains it properly, because I truly cannot explain it!
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